A common scenario I see with a lot of families I work with is that only one parent can settle their baby to sleep and back to sleep in the night. And when your baby is waking up a lot at night and all the settling is on you, it’s exhausting.
If your baby won’t settle with your partner, please know you are not alone. This is one of the most common challenges parents face especially when breastfeeding.
Many mums reach a point where they feel completely responsible for every nap, bedtime and night wake. You may be feeling drained, touched-out, anxious about how you will cope back at work or desperate for just one evening off. Meanwhile, your partner may feel helpless, rejected and unsure of how to help.
The good news is that this situation is incredibly normal and it can change with the right approach.
Let’s explore why this happens and how to gently help your baby feel more comfortable settling with your partner.
Why Babies Prefer One Parent at Sleep Time
Your baby’s preference for you is not a bad habit. It is rooted in biology, attachment and temperament.
Attachment Is a Survival Mechanism
From birth, babies are biologically wired to attach to their primary caregiver. This attachment ensures survival. Your baby knows you are their safe place, their comfort and their source of regulation.
Your baby associates you with safety, nourishment and emotional regulation. This is healthy and developmentally appropriate.
Your Scent and Heartbeat Calms Your Baby’s Nervous System
Your baby spent nine months listening to your heartbeat and surrounded by your scent. Research shows that a mother’s scent can reduce stress and calm babies. Your presence literally helps regulate your baby’s nervous system.
When your partner tries to settle them, it feels different. It’s not wrong, it’s just different and unfamiliar.
Breastfeeding Strengthens Sleep Associations
If your baby feeds to sleep, they naturally associate you with falling asleep. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Feeding to sleep is biologically normal and incredibly effective. However, it does mean your baby may initially resist settling with someone else, simply because it’s different.
Your Baby’s Temperament Plays a Huge Role
Some babies adapt quickly to change than others. Sensitive or higher need babies tend to be more aware of differences between caregivers and need slow, gradual transitions with plenty of repetition and reassurance.
There’s nothing wrong with them. It’s simply who they are, it’s their temperament. These babies often form deep, secure attachments and with gentle support, they can learn to settle with other caregivers too.
4 Steps to Gently Introduce a Different Caregiver at Bedtime
If you have always breastfed or been the only person doing bedtime, introducing a different caregiver needs to happen gradually. This process allows your baby to build familiarity, trust, and confidence.
Plan to spend 1–2 weeks or more moving through these four stages.
Step 1: Familiarisation
Begin by having the other parent present for the entire bedtime routine in a passive role.
This might include being present during bath time, sitting nearby during feeding or lying next to your baby while they fall asleep.
Your baby learns that this person is part of their safe sleep environment. Consistency is key. Try to do this regularly – every day if you can or as often as possible.
It is also important for the other parent to spend one-on-one time with your baby during the day without you being around. Encourage your partner to:
- Do bath time regularly
- Take baby on walks
- Change nappies
- Play one-on-one
- Handle morning wakeups
These daily interactions build familiarity and trust which will also make bedtime easier.
Step 2: The Other Parent Takes an Active Role at Bedtime
Next, your partner begins participating in parts of the bedtime routine.
For example, they could start by doing bath time and then increase the activities they do gradually over the next few days including putting on pyjamas and reading a bedtime story.
You remain present but gradually take a less active role. Try to talk about this change with your baby and toddler using very positive language. Make it special and exciting and help them to accept the change. Babies and toddlers will respond to your emotional cues.
Step 3: The Other Parent Leads the Routine
At this stage, your partner completes the full bedtime routine while you remain present in a passive role. Once your baby feels comfortable, you can begin stepping out of the room for a few moments.
If your baby currently feeds to sleep, this transition may require gradual layering of other settling methods alongside feeding. This could include rocking, patting, swaying, shushing or singing. Once you’ve been doing this for a little while, you could feed your baby and then pass to your partner to do some swaying or rocking and you can then build on this as you move into step 4.
Step 4: The Other Parent Settles Baby
Your partner now completes the entire bedtime routine including settling to sleep on their own. Remember that babies respond differently to different people. When your partner tries to settle, they will often accept a different way of settling from what they are used to with you. This is often seen when a child starts nursery and parents are amazed that they lie down and go to sleep with some gentle patting when they have never done that before at home.
Your partner does not need to replicate exactly what you do and substitute the breastfeed with a bottle of milk for example. Your partner should try a few different things and see what works best. This could include rhythmic swaying, bouncing, rocking, cuddling, stroking, walking around, lying on a floorbed and cuddling together as well as different sounds such as humming, music, singing.
This allows your baby and partner to develop their own unique sleep relationship and settling technique. It may look different from how you settle your baby and that is completely okay.
Tips to Help the Process
Help your partner stay calm and confident
Babies are highly sensitive to emotional states. If your partner feels anxious, your baby will sense it and settling will be a lot harder. Tell them to take a few moments before they start bedtime settling to ground themselves by putting some calming music on if they find that helps or be taking some deep breaths. They need to go into this with confidence that they can do it.
Avoid stepping in too quickly
This is often the hardest part.
When your baby cries, your instinct is to help. But stepping in immediately prevents your partner and baby from learning and building confidence together. Give them space to work through it together. Agree on a timeframe beforehand so everyone feels supported.
Also try to avoid a transition between parents during the bedtime routine. It is better if the primary caregiver is out of sight as the bedtime routine starts and not leaving halfway though.
Remember: This Is a Learning Process for Everyone
This transition is not just about your baby. It is also about your partner building confidence and finding their role. It requires patience and consistency.
Your baby is simply learning something new and different. Taking is slowly and going through these four small steps means your baby will learn to feel comfortable settling with both parents.
This is something that I’ve helped hundreds of parents achieve. If you feel that you would value some extra support making this transition, please feel free to book a free sleep assessment call with me.
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